


the author apologizes profusely

by a_sad_lack_of_spoons



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: I did not, and connor says the fuck word a lot, being manipulative??, connie aint dead 2k18, dont take any of this seriously, evan is my smol uwu treeboi XDDDD omg he can Do No Wrong, evan??, except he is, hansen??, i was fully awake and rested, i wish i could say i wrote this instead of sleeping, i'm v sorry, lying??, nah not here, never happened XD, not really sure why, oh boy, please, slight mention of astral projection, sort of college AU?, this is all a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 02:36:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14534838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_sad_lack_of_spoons/pseuds/a_sad_lack_of_spoons
Summary: Evan Hansen is A sHy TeEn, a Pure™ TreeBoi uwu, and starting his freshman year at college. The last thing he expects is for his fake best friend from high school to be his roommate. Especially because Connor’s…Dead?





	the author apologizes profusely

**Author's Note:**

> how the frickety frack do you make the text bold

Evan sighed as he swung his heavy duffel bag off his shoulder and onto the floor. Looking around his tiny dorm, he wonders if he made the right choice picking a college so far away. Sure, it’s a chance to get away from the whispers and stares after what had happened earlier that year-  
Evan shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He did not need to think about that.  
He pulled out his flip phone, mentally preparing to text Jared. 

-Evan: I j-just g-got to m-my r-room. I’m u-u-unpacking n-now.  
-J-Man: soundz lit fam (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jarod had named his own contact.  
Evan hurriedly closed his phone before Jaread could text anything more. (He had found that texting Jered required a certain headspace.)  
Sighing awkwardly, he began to unpack his duffle bag full of trees.  
\--  
He was just drifting off to sleep when the door burst off the hinges and the strong smell of milk filled the room.  
He jolted upright, staring at where he thought the intruder was, wide-eyed.  
“U-umm I d-don’t kno-know wh-who y-you are or w-what y-you w-want, b-but, u-um p-please d-don’t h-hurt m-my t-trees, s-sorry, I m-mean y-you p-probably d-don’t c-care b-but I j-just r-raised th-them a-all f-from s-s-seedlings? A-and I r-rr-really d-don’t w-w-want anything t-t-to h-h-happen t-t-o th-them, s-s-sorry.”  
There was a moment of silence before the now milk-scented room (does milk have a scent? Let me know in the comments huehuehue) filled with laughter.  
“Hansen, I’m not fucking here to fucking steal your fucking plants.”  
Evan gaped.  
“C-conner M-murphy? B-but y-you’re…d-dead!”  
\--  
Evan woke up the next morning with a headache. He gazed around blearily, trying to figure out why he had a headache, of all things. Everything looked as it did last night, trees covering the small single dorm, cheap secondhand curtains filtering in sunlight (jk it was all blocked by the sheer number of trees), the ghost of his fake dead best friend from high school eating the biggest bowl of cereal he’s ever seen – wait.  
“Morning, Hansen”  
Evan groaned. This was Too Much.  
“I finished the rest of the fucking Cheerios™. Hope you don’t mind.”  
“C-conner!”  
“What?? You were asleep and I was fucking hungry! Even paranormal beings have to fucking eat y’know.”  
“S-sorry, it’s j-just th-that I’m a c-college st-student… and th-that w-was s-supposed t-to l-last m-me f-for every m-meal f-for a m-month, s-sorry.”  
“Oh. I- oops. Fuck. Sorry?”  
“Oh, n-no, s-sorry, it’s f-fine, I’ll f-figure s-something else out, o-or I’ll j-just n-not eat f-for a wh-while, s-sorry”  
“Um. Fuck. Okay then.”  
“Um. I d-don’t th-think I asked th-this? Um I m-mean l-last n-night. S-sorry. Um. B-but I w-was j-just w-wondering, um, wh-why d-did y-you c-come b-back? T-to m-me? N-not th-that I w-want y-you t-to l-leave, s-sorry, b-but I’m j-just. C-confused? L-like, I a-actually w-watched y-you A-astral Pr-project? And n-now y-you’re b-back?”  
“Hansen.”  
“S-sorry I n-never sh-should h-have asked, I’ll j-just g-go s-somewhere else f-for a b-bit, s-sorry”  
“HANsen.”  
“S-sorry!”  
“Did you forget what I promised you?”  
“S-sorry, I- wh-what?”  
“Yes, I fucking promised you. Back in second fucking grade? You came and apologized to me after I threw the fucking printer at Mrs. G, even though we weren’t in the same fucking class, and then I promised you I would always be there to throw printers at people who were mean to you. Even though you were in a different class and Mrs. G wasn’t being mean to you.”  
“C-conner, y-you d-didn’t h-have t-to d-do th-tha- w-wait. Is th-that r-really h-how G-Gerard br-broke h-his n-nose th-this s-summer??”  
“I mean, he wasn’t going to fucking talk to you after you basically called him out on his insecurities and the whole fucking writing-letters-pretending-to-be-a-dead-kid thing- “  
“C-CONNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
“-Which, by the way, I don’t even fucking do crack? So, thank you for hyping up my misunderstood emo façade, but you got a lot of the fucking facts wrong.”  
“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
Then basically in a very gay display of affection the Ghost of Conner Murphy like, fuckin swept gayly down from the mess of empty Cheerios™ boxes and just started like???? amking out???? With evan???? Bc they’re my gay uwu babies XDDDDDDDDD and then they just. Frickin kiss. s ye s justt strated making outtf the gayu it is. Too gay fpr my vigrin eysess uwu the gayyyyg kisskisskisskissskiskskiskiisksiiksisisksiisksiusksisksis omfg what. Smol bbean evan and. Tol bean conner XDDDDD OTPPPP I am a dirtgy sinnnner uwu XDDDDDDD omgg paske and ppaul who? /? fuckin hire me micheal grief XDDDDDDDDDDD  
\--  
Five minutes later  
\--  
-J-Man: hOLY SHIR EVEN  
-J-Man: HOLY FUCKING SHIT  
-J-Man: U DO NOT JUST IGNORE UR FAMILY FRIENDS TXTZ AND THEN CHANGE THEIR RELATIONSHI P STATURS ON FB 2 MARRIEDD 2 CONNER MURPHY/PERGANANT W HIS CHILD  
-J-Man: I DIDN’T EVAN KNOW THAT WAS A RELATIONSHI-P[ STATUSG  
-J-Man: ALSO  
-J-Man: C O N N E R???????  
-J-Man: M U R P H Y????????  
-J-Man: WHO  
-J-Man: MAY I REMING U  
-J-Man: HAPPENZ 2 B DED  
-J-Man: WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF  
-J-Man: but srsly bro congratz  
-J-Man: I hope u think about me tonite ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  
-J-Man: yknow  
-J-Man: the big nite lmao  
-J-Man: (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Uh oh! You have been blocked from sending messages to Evan.

-J-Man: fuck u even  
-J-Man: asshole

**Author's Note:**

> ahahah props to you if you actually read this shit  
> this is horrible  
> Update:   
> thank you so so so so much for reading and commenting and kudosing??? i honestly didn't expect anyone to read this so i'm having a mini freakout  
> (also your comments are warming my cold gay heart wow)


End file.
